Employee of the Month

This is the level of dedication we expect from all staff!
From,
Management

Penis soup is good for you....!!!!

All over Asia...but here 's a good place to start

Finally.... a magazine for married men!!!

Penis day in Japan

How could we have missed it? March 15 was " Penis Day " in Japan . Here are the photos. The actual festival is called Honen Matsuri. Celebrated every March 15 in Komaki, a town about 45 minutes north of Nagoya , Japan , this is the time of year where folks haul out a large wooden penis to give three cheers to fertility and renewal. The custom is an old one that is connected to bringing about a good harvest and having babies.

The preacher

An Alabama preacher said to his congregation, 'Someone in this congregation has spread a rumor that I belong to the Ku Klux Klan.

This is a horrible lie and one which a Christian community cannot tolerate. I am embarrassed and do not intend to accept this.

Now, I want the party who did this to stand up and ask forgiveness from God and this Christian Family.'

No one moved. The preacher continued, 'Do you have the nerve to face me and admit this is a falsehood? Remember, you will be forgiven and in your heart you will feel glory Now stand and confess your transgression.'

Again all was quiet. Then slowly, a drop-dead gorgeous blonde with a body that would stop traffic rose from the third pew. Her head was bowed and her voice quivered as she spoke, 'Reverend there has been a terrible misunderstanding. I never said you were a member of the Ku Klux Klan.

I simply told a couple of my friends that you were a wizard under the sheets.' The preacher fell to his knees, his wife fainted, and the congregation roared.

Arthritis....

A drunk man who smelled like beer sat down on a subway next to a priest.The man's tie was stained, his face was plastered with red lipstick, and a half empty bottle of gin was sticking out of his torn coat pocket. He opened his newspaper and began reading. After a few minutes the man turned to the priest and asked, 'Say Father, what causes arthritis?' The priest replies, 'My Son, it's caused by loose living, being with cheap, wicked women, too much alcohol, contempt for your fellow man, sleeping around with prostitutes and lack of a bath.' The drunk muttered in response , then returned to his paper.

The priest, thinking about what he had said, nudged the man and apologized. 'I'm very sorry. I didn't mean to come on so strong. How long have you had arthritis?'

The drunk answered, 'I don't have it, Father. I was just reading here that the Pope does....

You're always on my mind

3 married couples

Three couples got married and spent their honeymoons at the same hotel, where they were all attended to by Jeff the Bellboy. The first man married a nurse.

Jeff showed them to their room, all the while thinking to himself, “Lucky guy! Nurses are known to be hot to trot.” The second man married a telephone operator.

Jeff showed them to their room, while thinking to himself, “Wow, he`s one lucky dude. Telephone operators have such sexy voices and once you pop that top button.. Va-voom.”

The third man married a school teacher.

Jeff showed them to their room and thought to himself, “Poor sap. She may be pretty, but teachers are way too frigid.” At 5:30 the following morning, Jeff reported to work. He expected the teacher`s husband to call for breakfast any minute, but was sure the other two wouldn`t call until much later in the day.

The phone rang at 6 a.m. and it was the nurse`s husband wanting breakfast. Jeff took breakfast up to the room and when the husband opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man`s pajamas were still pressed and his hair nicely combed. “Sir, what happened?” asked Jeff. “You married a nurse.”

“Son, don`t ever marry a nurse,” the man sourly replied. “All I heard last night was Her nagging voice saying, `You`re not sanitary, you`re not sanitary`.”

The phone rang again at 6:30 a.m. and this time it was the telephone operator`s husband calling for breakfast. Jeff took it to the room as quickly as possible. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man`s hair was neatly combed and his pajamas nicely pressed.

“What happened?” Jeff asked with surprise. “Telephone operators as supposed to be as sexy as their voices.” “Son, don`t ever marry a telephone operator,” the man groaned. “All I heard last night was Her nasal voice saying, `Your three minutes are up, your three minutes are up`.”

Jeff returned to his desk, sure that the teacher`s husband would be calling at any moment. Finally, at 4 p.m., the teacher`s husband called for breakfast.

Jeff couldn`t believe it, but quickly took the breakfast to the couple`s room. When the man opened the door, Jeff stepped back in shock. The man was wearing only a pair of boxers, his hair was a mess, and there were scratches all over his chest, arms and legs.
“My goodness sir, what happened to you?” Jeff asked, fearing the worst. “Did you have a fight?”

The man, grinning from ear to ear, happily replied, “No. Son, when you marry be sure it`s to a school teacher. All I heard last night was Her sexy, smooth voice saying, `We`re going to do this over, and over, and over again, until we get it right`.”

Long Winter nights

Boys will be Boys

Enjoy your Sunday everyone...!

Here is a Canadian Fish Story for you....Awesome Catch On A Lake In Canada ... (56" - 55lbs. )This is a new record Northern Pike in Canada . He caught it on Cameron Lake , Ontario.

Check this thing out. The man (in the photos below), was fishing and caught a 36" Pike, as he was reeling it in, a 56" Pike tried to eat it !!!!!

He landed them both in the same net. The last picture is unbelievable..

Buy American......

What a ship...no wonder 'Made in China' is displacing North American goods big time with this floating continent transporting goods across the Pacific in 4 days no less!!!

This is how Wal-Mart gets all it's stuff from China , get a load of this ship!
15,000 containers and a 207' beam! And look at the crew-size: 13 people for a ship longer than a US aircraft carrier which has a crew of 5,000 men and officers.
Think it's big enough? Notice that 207' beam means it cannot fit through the Panama or Suez Canals It is strictly transpacific.. Check out the cruise speed: 31 knots means the goods arrive 4 days before the typical container ship (18-20 knots) on a China-to-California run. So this behemoth is hugely competitive when carrying perishable goods.
This ship was built in five sections. The sections floated together and then welded. The command bridge is higher than a 10-story building and has 11 cargo crane rigs that can operate simultaneously.

Additional info:
Country of origin - Denmark
Length - 1,302 ft
Width - 207 ft< BR>
Net cargo - 123,200 tons
Engine - 14 in-line cylinders diesel engine (110,000 BHP)
Cruise Speed - 31 knots
Cargo capacity - 15,000 TEU (1 TEU = 20 ft3)< /FONT>
Crew - 13 people
First Trip - Sept. 08, 2006
Construction cost - US $145,000,000+
Silicone painting applied to the ship bottom reduces water resistance and saves 317,000 gallons of diesel per year






Editorial Comment! A recent documentary in late March on the History Channel, noted that most all of these containers are shipped back to China , EMPTY yep you heard it right. We send nothing back on most of these ships. What does that tell you about the current Financial State of this country?

Life is like that

Here's something to think about.

A patient recently picked a new primary care doctor. After two visits and exhaustive Lab tests, the doctor tells him he was doing 'fairly well' for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, the patient couldn't resist asking him, ''Do you think I'll live to be 80?''

Doctor replied: ''Do you smoke tobacco, or drink beer or wine?''

''Oh no,'' and ''I'm not doing drugs, either!''

The Doctor then asked, ''Do you eat rib-eye steaks and barbecued ribs?''

Patient said, ''No, my former doctor said that all red meat is very unhealthy!''

'Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf,sailing, hiking, or bicycling?''

Oh ''No, I don't,'' came the reply.

''Do you gamble, drive fast cars, or have a lot of sex?'' ''No,'' said the patient

The Doctor looked at him and said,....

''Then, why do you even give a shit?''

The Rabbi and the Priest..!

A priest was called away for an emergency. Not wanting to leave the
confessional unattended, he called his rabbi friend from across the street
and asked him to cover for him.

The rabbi told him he wouldn't know what to say, but the priest told him to
come on over and he'd stay with him for a little bit and show him what to
do.

The rabbi comes, and he and the priest are in the confessional. In a few
minutes, a woman comes in and says, 'Father, forgive me for I have sinned.'

The priest asks, 'What did you do?'

The woman says, 'I committed adultery.'

The priest says, 'How many times?'

And the woman replies, 'Three.'

Priest: 'Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box, and go and sin no more.'

A few minutes later a man enters the confessional. He says, 'Father forgive
me for I have sinned.'

'What did you do?'

'I committed adultery.'

'How many times?'

'Three times.'

The priest says, 'Say two Hail Mary's, put $5 in the box and go and sin no
more.'

The rabbi tells the priest that he thinks he's got it, so the priest
leaves.

A few minutes later another woman enters and says, 'Father, forgive me for I have sinned.'

The rabbi says, 'What did you do?'

The woman replies, 'I committed adultery.'

The rabbi, getting it off pat, says, 'How many times?'

The woman replies, 'Once.'

The rabbi says, 'Go and do it two more times; we have a special this week, "three for $5".

Forced retirement

Dear employee:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the next fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as S.L.A.P. (Severance of Late-Aged Personnel).

Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program will be called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Elderly Workers).

All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.

This appeal is called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination) .

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment).

As H.E.R.P.E.S. and C.L.A.P. are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received H.E.R.P.E.S . or C.L.A.P. will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our: Special High Intensity Training ( S.H.I.T.).

We take pride in the amount of S.H.I.T. our employees receive. We have given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough S.H.I.T. on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the S.H.I.T. you can stand.

And, once again, thanks for all your years of loyal service with us!

The Management

Trust your GUT

What do you know? Enough. Who do you know? The right person. How do you know that this is so? Well, ask yourself how you feel deep down. Down beneath the surface layer of self-suspicion that often furrows your brow, down past the churning and complex rhythms and patterns of thought that leave you never sure what your ultimate opinion about any matter truly is. Deeper down. Further down. Down to your heart, to your bones, to the very private, profound part of you, to your gut. You feel certainty there. Trust that. YES you can!

Sometimes we just need to be reminded

A well known speaker started off his seminar holding a $20 bill in front of 200 people in the room...he asked: "Who would like this bill?"

Hands started going up. He said: "I 'm going to give this $20 bill to one of you but first, let me do this. He proceeded to crumple up the $20 bill. He then asked: "Who still wants it?" and of course, still the hands were up in the air.

Well, he replied: "What if I do this?" and he dropped it on the ground and started to grind it into the floor with his shoe. He then picked up the now crumpled and dirty bill. "Now..who still want it " he asked again. Still the hands went up into the air.

He then said: "My friends, we have all learned a valuable lesson here. No matter what I did to the money, you still wanted it because it did not decrease in value. It is still worth $20"

Many times in our lives, we are dropped, crumples and ground into the dirt by the decisions we make and the circumstances that come our way. We feel as though we are worthless. But no matter what has happened or what will happen, you will never lose your value.

Dirty or clean, crumpled or finely creased, you are still priceless to those who DO LOVE YOU. The worth of our lives comes not in what we do or who we know, but by WHO WE ARE and WHOSE WE ARE.

You are a child of the universe and YOU ARE SPECIAL. Don't ever forget it.

Count Your Blessings, not your problems.

The Perks of Reaching 50.....!!!

01. Kidnappers are not very interested in you.

02. In a hostage situation you are likely to be released first.

03. No one expects you to run--anywhere.

04. People call at 9 pm and ask, did I wake you?

05. People no longer view you as a hypochondriac.

06. There is nothing left to learn the hard way.

07. Things you buy now won't wear out.

08. You can eat supper at 4 pm.

09. You can live without sex but not your glasses.

10. You get into heated arguments about pension plans.

11. You no longer think of speed limits as a challenge.

12. You quit trying to hold your stomach in no matter who walks into the room.

13. You sing along with elevator music.

14. Your eyes won't get much worse.

15 . Your investment in health insurance is finally beginning to pay off.

16. Your joints are more accurate meteorologists than the national weather service.

17. Your secrets are safe with your friends because they can't remember them either.

18. Your supply of brain cells is finally down to manageable size.

19. You can't remember who sent you this list.

And Never, under any circumstances, take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night.

Funnies.........................

Psychiatrists say that 1 of 4 people are mentally ill. Check 3 friends.

If they're OK, you're it.

Sex is not the answer. Sex is the question. "Yes" is the answer.

Nothing in the known universe travels faster than a bad check.

A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn.

It has recently been discovered that research causes cancer in rats.

Always remember to pillage BEFORE you burn.

If you are given on open-book exam, you will forget your book.

If you are given a take-home test, you will forget where you live.

Prison...vs...Work

IN PRISON...you spend the majority of your time in an 8X10 cell.
AT WORK....you spend most of your time in a 6X8 cubicle.

IN PRISON...you get three meals a day (free).
AT WORK.....you only get a break for one meal and you have to pay for it yourself.

IN PRISON...you get time off for good behavior.
AT WORK.....you get rewarded for good behavior with more WORK.

IN PRISON...a guard locks and unlocks the doors for you.
AT WORK.....you must carry around a security card and unlock open all the doors yourself.

IN PRISON... you can watch TV and play games.
AT WORK.....you get fired for watching TV and playing games.

IN PRISON...you get your own toilet.
AT WORK.....you have to share.

IN PRISON...they allow your family and friends to visit.
AT WORK.....you can not even speak to your family and friends.

IN PRISON...all expenses are paid by taxpayers with no work at all.
AT WORK.....you get to pay all the expenses to go to work and then they deduct taxes from your salary to pay for the prisoners.

IN PRISON...you spend most of your life looking through the bars from the inside wanting to get out.
AT WORK.....you spend most of your time wanting to get out and go inside bars.

Optimism in the air....2009

As January 20th approaches, more optimism is in the air as it's been reported by reliable inner circles in Washington that immediately following his inauguration, President Obama will balance the budget, revive the economy, solve the real estate problem, bail out the auto industry , create gas/alternative energy solutions, stop the fires and mudslides in California, ban hurricanes and tornadoes, eliminate identity theft, reverse global warming, find Osama Bin Laden, resolve the Israeli-Palestinian conflict, get rid of corruption in government and achieve world peace. Then on the 7th day, he will rest.