Thursday, February 5, 2009

Forced retirement

Dear employee:

As a result of the reduction of money budgeted for all department areas, we are forced to cut down on our number of personnel. Under this plan, older employees will be asked to take early retirement, thus permitting the retention of younger people who represent our future

Therefore, a program to phase out older personnel by the end of the next fiscal year, via retirement, will be placed into effect immediately.

This program will be known as S.L.A.P. (Severance of Late-Aged Personnel).

Employees who are SLAPPED will be given the opportunity to look for jobs outside the company.

SLAPPED employees can request a review of their employment records before actual retirement takes place. This review phase of the program will be called S.C.R.E.W. (Survey of Capabilities of Retired Elderly Workers).

All employees who have been SLAPPED and SCREWED may file an appeal with upper management.

This appeal is called S.H.A.F.T. (Study by Higher Authority Following Termination) .

Under the terms of the new policy, an employee may be SLAPPED once, SCREWED twice, but may be SHAFTED as many times as the company deems appropriate.

If an employee follows the above procedure, he/she will be entitled to get: H.E.R.P.E.S. (Half Earnings for Retired Personnel's Early Severance) or CLAP (Combined Lump-sum Assistance Payment).

As H.E.R.P.E.S. and C.L.A.P. are considered benefit plans, any employee who has received H.E.R.P.E.S . or C.L.A.P. will no longer be SLAPPED or SCREWED by the company.

Management wishes to assure the younger employees who remain on board that the company will continue its policy of training employees through our: Special High Intensity Training ( S.H.I.T.).

We take pride in the amount of S.H.I.T. our employees receive. We have given our employees more S.H.I.T. than any company in this area. If any employee feels they do not receive enough S.H.I.T. on the job, see your immediate supervisor. Your supervisor is specially trained to make sure you receive all the S.H.I.T. you can stand.

And, once again, thanks for all your years of loyal service with us!

The Management


Unknown said...

You just gave me a "heart" murmur. I thought it was your walking papers . . . at first until I read on.

B.B. said...

Thanks Baron, I can always count on you for a laugh in the morning. That's funny, but also sadly true.

"Joker" said...

Is this from GM, Ford, or Chrysler?

Baron's Life said...

Bob...thanks Buddy for the telling what could happen today. 2 friends in OH and on in Delta were laid off in January...always sad to see.
B.B. you're great and we'd like to hear more from you. You still riding to work everyday..even though you're close to the place...Howz the new job? could be from Toyota for all I care..that'll teach them

Anonymous said...

this is great!

GMG said...

Hi Baron! Great post!! I wonder if he/she actually wants to get H.E.R.P.E.S.... ;))

You can’t imagine what you’re missing at Blogtrotter now! Lol!!
Have a great weekend!

Anonymous said...

Funny, but sadly TRUE, glad to be away from the S.H.I.T at work now lol.perchance to dream of JAWA's.



B.B. said...

Thanks Baron, the new job is great! I am riding to work almost everyday. We had rain the last couple of days so I didn't ride. I've not ridden in the rain yet. :)

Baron's Life said... your blog and spent a few hours on it today. The pictures are just out of this world and totally amazing and live. Thanks again for sharing these with your world wide audience. I'm still curious to know what you do for a living that allows you to travel so much. Cheers
B.B. Thanks for the follow-up. Keep your fingers crossed about the job and don't ride in the rain until you gain extra riding hours....already riding in the dark